Pages

#FridayFlash: Nom de Plume

Nom de Plume

by Tony Noland

Mr. William J. Smith
2280 W. Pine St.
Okemos, MI 48822

Mr. Charles Demereste
Demereste & Associates Literary Representation
76 W. 54th St., Suite 600
New York, NY 10027

September 18, 1975

Dear Charlie,

I got your letter of August 29; I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. It's just that your discussion of a book tour to go with the release of "Blood Picnic" came as a surprise to me, especially after I thought I'd made myself plain. I had to give my response a lot of thought, since I'll admit, I was a little dismayed to hear that you'd already started making the bookings. I know that my position must sound a little crazy to you. I never expected Scribner's Sons to pick the book up and push it, certainly never expected them to make my appearing in public a non-negotiable.

It's not that I'm ungrateful or that I have anything other than the utmost confidence in you to make B.P. a rousing success. After all, you've been my agent for twenty six years. If I can't rely on you by now, we're both in trouble!

The fact is, Charlie, I need you to go back to Mr. Wilkins at Scribner and try one more time to get him to lighten up. Did you tell him that my face was burned when I was in fighting the Japs in '44? I never go out in public if I can help it. Kids laugh behind my back when I go to the grocery store; can you imagine me on a book tour? Hell, that's why I've never come to New York to meet with you. I simply cannot appear in public as Billy Divine. I hate to be a pill about this, but if he can make a non-negotiable, so can I. Don't think I won't walk away from this deal if appearing in public is a sine qua non. I'd hate to see the deal fall through and see you lose the commission, but there it is.

Even without a tour, B.P. will sell well enough to make them some money, you know that. All of his talk about it being a new age of acceptance of disability is BS. His line about authors needing to be in charge of their own publicity is BS, too. People want to meet Billy Divine, the author of the great thriller? Tell 'em tough rocks and be done with it. If Salinger can hole up someplace, why can't I? Yeah, yeah, I'm no Salinger, but Charlie, you have to work with me here.

I know this is the big break for both of us, but to be honest, Charlie, I'm not sure I want a big break at my age. Handle the details with Scribner as you see fit, but two things I won't budge on: no book tour and nobody - I mean NOBODY - finds out who Billy Divine is a pen name for. (It's a stupid name and I should have chosen something that didn't sound so obviously nom de plume-ish in the first place, but that's water over the dam.)

Charlie, that brings me to the main reason it took me so long to respond. I've decided to hang up my Underwood. I'll send off the final draft of "The Howell Beach Horror" by parcel post when I mail this letter. That will be my last book. We've always worked well together, Charlie, and you know how stubborn I can be. Don't try to talk me out of it. If B.P. does well, then H.B.H. will too, as will the whole backlist, the ones that are still in print, anyway.

In recognition of all of our years together, Charlie, I want you to up your commission from 15% to 25% for H.B.H and the future sale of anything on the backlist, including any future printings of B.P. Don't try to argue with me on that, either. You're a good man and you deserve it.

I'm not going to get all sloppy in this letter and tell you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me, or to thank you for taking a chance on an unknown rookie writer all those years ago. I'll save all that for later, after we sell H.B.H.

Sincerely,


Bill

P.S. I'm serious, Charlie - no book tour, and NOBODY learns who I am! - Bill

//////////

In a small house in Okemos, Michigan, a man pulls a letter from his typewriter, stands and stretches. At the window, he watches the sun rise through a line of clouds, low on the horizon. As dawn slowly pinks the sky, he sighs.

Time to change agents again. He chides himself for being foolish with "Blood Picnic". Too good, damn it. If he'd skipped all the moral ambiguity and cut that final tearjerker scene with the stepdaughter, he could have avoided the literary overtones.

The key to staying safely in the obscurity of the mid-list is to keep the blood flowing and the tits showing, and leave it at that. From age to age, that's the kind of thing that gives a steady income without the risk of a best seller. After four hundred years of turning out penny dreadfuls, he should know that.

With the sun up and shining, he returns to the typewriter and feeds in a clean sheet of paper onto the platen. He consults a pad with some handwritten notes and begins to type.


//////////

Mr. W. James Smith
2280 W. Pine St.
Okemos, MI 48822

Mr. Andrew Horowitz
Horowitz, Klein and Goldstein
141 Arch St., Suite 232
Philadelphia, PA 19021

September 19, 1975

Dear Mr. Horowitz,

A beautiful young bride is possessed by the ghost of a woman long dead, a woman whose animal passions killed her. Now, once again in a fresh young body, she is free to indulge her desires, no matter how depraved. The bewildered husband of the innocent victim, unable to satisfy the passions of his demon-possessed lover, is shocked to be faced with the most awful of choices: share his demon bride with other men or see her destroyed. Can he find a way to free his love from the clutches of this horror of horrors?

This is the premise of "The Taking of Mrs. Jones", a supernatural thriller novel of approximately 80,000 words. The novel draws on my recent experiences in the more sordid parts of Vietnam, where I was injured in the service of my country. I believe the novel would appeal to young men of my own age.

I have taken the liberty of including the first five pages of the manuscript. May I ask your opinion of it? I am seeking representation for "The Taking of Mrs. Jones." It is my first novel, and I would value your opinion of its merits and commercial potential.

Please note that for the purposes of this novel, I am writing using the pen name "Daniel Cutlass". I have one additional supernatural thriller novel, nearly complete, written under the same name.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,



W. James Smith

==========
The sequel to this story is "Truth Lies Beneath"
.


==========
Comments and constructive criticisms welcome. Other #FridayFlash pieces can be found here
.

37 comments:

  1. I like the extremely common name: Bill Smith. Nice touch. I'm not a fan of letter-style stories, but I like this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah, making a living off penny dreadfuls - the lucky sod!

    He doesn't learn though, does he? From Divine to Cutlass...

    I am sorely tempted to pretend to be possessed in a manner similar to Cutlass's beautiful young bride now...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Been writing for 400 years and happy to remain on the mid-list? Doth Lucifer beist thou craven name? If not, I'm afraid that part of the story was a little lost on me :) I did laugh at his new nom de plume. A slow learner, I see :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for the form letters Tony - mind I re-use them? ;o)

    400 years sounds like a good stretch in which to hone skills (where do I sign up for that Faustian bargain?) and the twist - to settle in comfortable obscurity in the midlists - was very clever. Another great read. Finally, I think you and Mazzz should collaborate on the bride story!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh how I wish I could pen that first letter... The 400 years was a fabu touch, but not even necessary -- wouldn't a 'litfic' guy want to hide his bread and butter midlist 'genre' stuff?

    Fun read all around! Peace, Linda

    ReplyDelete
  6. Poor guy. What a precarious life. And yet... I envy him. :) Great story.

    ReplyDelete
  7. He certainly is a sui generis writer!

    400 years and counting. Not a bad life, writing and hanging/hiding in the midlist.

    There really aren't such articulate letter writers anymore...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for all the reads & comments, guys. I thought this might strike a chord. 8-)

    mazzz in Leeds: I am sorely tempted to pretend to be possessed in a manner similar to Cutlass's beautiful young bride now...

    You mean you want to go on an uncontrollable, sybaritic romp as a demon-possessed nymphomanic? Well, it is Valentine's Day weekend, so knock yourself out! If we go by Simon's suggestion, we should collaborate on writing that up, so this weekend would be as good a time to start as any, right?

    Marisa:
    There really aren't such articulate letter writers anymore...


    I don't understand; my letters like that. ;-)

    Linda: It's true, you can charm the critics with literary masterpiece and still need to use a pen name to rip bodices & throats in order to pay the rent. I just thought that with so much experience, this guy would be turning out a Pulitzer prize winner every six months unless there were a really good reason for him not to. As it happens, he was chased out of London in 1664 just ahead of a cabal of suspicious editors and publishers. Only the fire of 1666 saved him from exposure. After that close call, he decided to stay underground.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Poor guy. Suffering from the fear of success. Seems he represents most of us wannabe scribes. We're either afraid of success, afraid of failure or both! Nicely woven. The 'Letter Method' of story telling is a difficult one and I congratulate you on mastering it. I've only seen one other done so well, and that was by Elizabeth Bear, I believe. Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Very fun.

    While I wonder how it is he's 400 years old (Vampire? Highlander?) it really is an unnecessary detail.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Tony, this is simply priceless, a very fun read!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes, this is very funny, but like all the best humour, it's also deeply insightful.

    I particularly liked the line: "The key to staying safely in the obscurity of the mid-list is to keep the blood flowing and the tits showing, and leave it at that."

    And I appreciated that you treated us to two of Bill's letters.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm happy to show them to you, David. Typical sort of business correspondence & query letter an immortal hack writer might turn out, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tony,

    I agree with the other comments - this is insightful humor.

    I can see that others felt the same way I did - wanting to live vicariously through these letters.

    It is an interesting twist for the goal to be a mid-list author for a LONG period of time rather than a best-selling author, even just once.

    This is very creative storytelling!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. He's likely to get a deal with that query letter? That's where I've been going wrong...

    This was cunningly crafted and hits all the right targets in subtle fashion. Twitter & social networking are made for this man who wishes to remain anonymous.

    marc nash

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sorry Tony, don't quite know how this happened - could only delete one duplication.

    marc

    ReplyDelete
  17. No problem on the repeats, Marc, it happens. Tip: if you want to keep your Enter key from sticking, you need to eat lunch AWAY from the computer.

    8-)

    Is he likely to get a deal with that query? I have no idea. Maybe I'll invite an agent to take a look and comment.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Tony, wouldn't it be great if agents actually took a whirl around the blogs to read new flash fiction, like a record A&R person? Ahh, dreams.

    And this was great, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Rather than lunching over the keyboard, it was impatience on the submit button when nothing seemed to be happening. More haste, less speed as I believe the homily preaches...

    Bests

    marc

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey, ThomG, thanks for the thumbs up, but stay out of my daydreams, OK?

    The one where five agents all read my blog and end up fighting over how big an advance they can tempt me with? That's my favorite one!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I liked the detail of the Underwood. Not quite sure why this is set in the 70's--unless it was a time that was easier to get agents and publishers!

    As always, it's a pleasure peeking into your imagination.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for giving me the perfect pen name, Tony! :) Great read! I wonder what drives him to keep writing after 400 years? You didn't explore that.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Laura: What drives anyone to write, write and keep writing? Once an author, always an author, at least until you run out of things to say. As he's focused on workmanlike genre titillation, a bottomless well, he'll be at it for a long time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ha, if I was forced to write mediocre fiction of that nature for 400 yrs, I think I'd have to find a way to end the torture. Pen through the eye? :-) Creative piece, though.

    ReplyDelete
  25. So, Marc Nash wondered if my protag was likely to get a deal with that query letter. I asked the question on Twitter, addressed to any #agent who would care to respond.

    Here's the response I got from Robert Brown, a literary agent with Wylie-Merrick Literary Agency: "@TonyNoland Think it's too long and too personal. Keep you out of your query. Think business letter between professionals. #agent"

    I'm going to assume that Mr. Brown was just looking at the final part of the story, the query letter. In that letter, I had Mr. Smith put in more detail about his service in Vietnam than would be advisable in a query. For the purposes of this story, I wanted to show that he makes up a new persona every thirty or forty years, with a fresh excuse for why he will never appear in public.

    The advice is valuable nonetheless. Keep it professional, sell the book (not the author), get to the point and wrap it up quick.

    ReplyDelete
  26. That is awesome that Mr. Brown responded. And insightful too.

    Hopefully agents have not been around 400 years, too. What would happen if one recognized the style from, say, 320 years ago? What would his answer be? I'm just intrigued with your whole concept.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I love the premise of this story! Excellent writing. I am usually not a fan of stories in the form of letters, but this was great. I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Very creative! I was thinking your story was a practice in visualization.... in other words, write the letter and it will come true. Is that the case? Are you trying to tell us something?? I enjoyed this a lot and am especially impressed that you reached out to an agent and got a response. Interesting input! Thanks ~ Olivia

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thanks for the comments, guys. I'm glad you liked it. This was an exercise in epistlary form, just in case I need to use it in a novel someday.

    Olivia: Well, I got the distinct impression that the agent thought my query was lousy, so I wouldn't try to read these particular tea leaves.

    8-)

    ReplyDelete
  30. This was great, especially after the guy's true motive was revealed. Does he skip around with his taxes, too? ;)

    CD

    ReplyDelete
  31. I LOVED the premise as well. And I figure all his skills are being tested and demonstrated in making sure he *doesn't* write a literary masterpiece or bestseller. (Although I would like to think that secretly he has a masterpiece he's working on, or already tucked away somewhere--just in case he's staked or--well, not exactly sure why he's been living so long--but just in case year 401 doesn't come...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Clever bit of letter writing. Who in their proper frame would wring their cranial wadding for four hundred years of midlist penny-dreadfuls is beyond me. I had the guy down as a vampire, but there was the part "...with the sun up and shining..." so now I'm perplexed.
    Fun thoughtful read, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Very witty Tony... coming in as the last commenter. I caught the start when I came to read your CW post earlier on in the week.

    I am a huge fan of the letter and wish there was more time to indulge in this passion... and I always enjoy a new a varied way of telling a story. Nice wry twist. Can't wait for your turn to strut your stuff on the CW stage.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Very cool story. I liked the format, though I was hoping to see what the agent's response would be to the first letter. I'm wondering just what sort of creature this guy is.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thanks for the reads, guys. I wrote a sequel to this story titled "Truth Lies Beneath". Feel free to check it out.

    Donald & Eric: What is he? A vampire? A zombie? Why does he live so long?

    I'm not telling, guys. Sorry. Keep reading, though.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving a comment. The staff at Landless will treat it with the same care that we would bestow on a newly hatched chick. By the way, no pressure or anything, but have you ever considered subscribing to Landless via RSS?