Aspirations
by Tony Noland
"You can do better than that, Billy. Try harder."
B's weren't A's, A's weren't A+'s and straight A+'s meant the classes must have been too easy.
Honor Roll wasn't Dean's List, Dean's List wasn't Magna Cum Laude, Magna wasn't Summa and Summa wasn't Valedictorian.
"You can do better than that, Billy. Try harder."
An honors B.S. wasn't a M.Sc., a M.Sc. wasn't a Ph.D and a Ph.D. wasn't an M.D.-Ph.D.
Brown wasn't Johns Hopkins, Hopkins wasn't Harvard, Harvard wasn't such a big deal as everyone made it out to be.
One million wasn't two, two wasn't four, four wasn't eight, and talking about money was crude, for heaven's sake, didn't he know that by now?
A four bedroom, two-and-a-half bath wasn't a 5/3, a 5/3 wasn't a 6/4.5 and sure it has 6/4.5, but just look at the neighborhood - who would want to live with all those snobs? Besides, who did he think he was anyway, buying such a big house when he was all alone? Any half-witted idiot on the street could find a girl and settle down, for heaven's sake, how hard is that? Especially for a boy with such regular features, it was just a matter of applying one's self.
The college professor, the nurse, the real estate agent, the speech therapist, the old college friend, the neighbor down the street, the nineteenth, twenty-sixth and forty-third matches from the dating website... all wrong.
"You can do better than that, Billy. Try harder."
Suffocation wasn't poison, poison wasn't electrocution, electrocution surely wasn't a shotgun blast to the forehead, but he'd never owned a gun in his life, didn't even know how to fire one, didn't think he could do it anyway, didn't think he could face her to do it, sleeping or awake. He didn't know how to hire someone for it, even who to talk to about the possibility.
But then...
Headaches and fatigue wasn't a lump, a lump wasn't a tumor, one medium-sized tumor wasn't metastasized breast cancer, spreading fast and drilling into bones, kidneys and lymph nodes.
A double mastectomy wasn't chemotherapy, chemotherapy wasn't chemotherapy plus radiation, hospital wasn't hospice, and hospice wasn't dead. Not yet.
He wasn't free. Not yet.
"You can do better than that," he thought, almost echoing her as she gasped out her latest round of dissatisfaction, rattling between pulses of the respirator. To his ally, working away within her, he said, "You can do better than that. Try harder."
===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.
UPDATE: I wrote a blog post about the reaction to this story. Go read it & comment.
Like it? Tweet it! Tweet
Such a powerful and potent piece.
ReplyDeleteThe rhythmic motion of your story rushes forward, asking questions, having them answered, a whole life within such few words; a life's end in even fewer. Very nice, Tony.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you wrote this story
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed it
Great work
Dark but deep. I agree the rhythm really worked in this...
ReplyDeleteI actually thought this was a great one, Tony. One of your best for sheer and simple repetition lending itself to how this character lived. It's never been good enough, hollowed him out and left him with an unknown frustration (at least how I read it). It's prickly, but it earns its spurs and people can ditch after a few paragraphs if it's not their thing.
ReplyDeleteGive me the shivers. Powerful writing. Well done, Tony.
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece, Tony. The repetition drills in the insanity of his rat-race of a life and never measuring up. The last line is brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThis works so well on so many levels. A brilliant way to present a life and its frustrations. Once I realized the pattern and the hook, I started rooting for the character to break the cycle, but the cycle never broke.
ReplyDeleteShort, fast-paced, and yet a whole life laid out. Very very powerfully expressed.
ReplyDeleteTony, this seems so very different for you, but it works so well. I too love the pacing, the repetition, all of it. You need to do more like this.
ReplyDeleteThis one read like poetry. Creepy poetry. Good story!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I'm glad the repetition worked. It reads with a semi-poetic rhythm in the repeated sentences; that kind of prose-poem construction isn't to everyone's taste, but, if you give it a chance, it can sink the barbs in.
ReplyDeleteJohn Wiswell & Deanna: this is a heavier, darker piece than a lot of what I do. Sadder and almost brutal, and certainly less ornately festooned with verbal curlicues than is my usual wont. The simplicity was my intent; the darkness came by itself.
Should I do more like this? I'm not sure I could sustain this kind of tone for a longer form, or in a longer series of pieces. My native impulse to deflect pain with a punchline is pretty strong.
Pretty good. Everyone can strive to do their best.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked best: that the repeating phrase, "You can do better..." had negative meaning throughout ... until the very last one, which turns it on its head. It gives it validity too: when it comes to healing yourself you can do better!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, Tony.
Now, that's how to use rhythm and repetition to carry a story along - and the reader with it.
ReplyDeleteExcellent work and yes, the shotgun seemed like a good idea.
Really well done.
Nicely done. Like the punch at the end. Thanks Tony.
ReplyDeleteVery fluid. The progression is great. Great story.
ReplyDeletenicely done.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year
Thanks, everyone! The repetition was like a constant drip, drip, drip of acid into this guy's soul. I'm glad it works as a narrative device.
ReplyDeleteI am such a fan of repetition. well done!
ReplyDeleteLove the way you used the 'x wasn't y' device to ratchet up the tension. Dark, and too true for so many of us living to satisfy parental expectations. Peace...
ReplyDeleteI love the twist of meanings implied with the saying, the way he thinks of it clearly wanting the pain to end. I enjoyed reading this, Tony. It has such depth of character that it draws us in. Well done.
ReplyDeleteIn my head I heard a metronome ticking a pulse through each of the stages. It's quite emotionally brutal; I read this after your post on emotion in writing. Here it is the lack of eloquent description, rather, short, sharp facts that give it such potency.
ReplyDeleteAdam B @revhappiness
Tony, i agree with much of what has been said: the rhythm and the repetition are the things for me which make it work so well, But also the honesty of the last line: it contains so much emotion and feeling. The poetic feel to this resonates so well. Excellent.
ReplyDeleteThe repetition worked very well indeed. The style fits here perfectly.
ReplyDelete~jon
Wow. That's really dark stuff. Like the others have said, I also enjoyed the repetitive rhythm of this piece and the fact that you dug really deep down into the mire of your character's psyche and showed us all that darkness. Great story.
ReplyDelete