The Time Is Now
by Tony Noland
"Nothing, sir. No distress signal, no activity on any frequency."
"Acknowledged, Uhura. Analysis, Mr. Spock."
"The vessel appears to be derelict, Captain. Scanners indicate only minor power fluctuations in the impulse engines."
"And the crew?"
"The ship's life support appears to be functioning at minimal levels, but there are no life readings, sir."
"Abandoned?"
"That would seem logical, Captain. The configuration of the ship would suggest that it possessed escape pods, but none are present."
"Hmmm. Mr. Chekov, weapons status?"
"No readings, Keptin. Their varp core is off-line, their shields are down and their veapons are deaktivated. Hull integrity is von hundred percent, sir. Eet does not seem that they vere in a fight."
"Hmmm. Mr. Spock, what do you make of her? She's too big to be a crusier, too small to be a cargo ship."
"The configuration of the vessel does not match that of any ship in the computer registry."
"No, she's a puzzle. Speculations?"
"Speculations based on insufficient data are frequently inaccurate, Captain."
"Yes, Mr. Spock. Well, let's go get some more data. Scotty?"
"Aye, Cap'n?"
"Meet us in the transporter room."
"On mah way, Cap'n."
"Mr. Sulu, match course and speed. Lt. Uhura, Mr. Spock, Mr. Chekov, you're with me. Mr. Sulu, you have the conn."
"Aye, sir."
**************
"Sulu, what the blue blazes is going on up here? What are you doing to my life support?"
"Nothing, Doctor! That is, I don't know what's happening! After the Captain and the others transported over to that derelict ship, the computer just shut down."
"These damned machines! Nothing but a tangle of wires and trouble making circuits! Can't you get Scotty to come back here and figure out what's wrong?"
"I can't raise them, Doctor. There's been nothing but static since they transported."
"Come on, man! It's been more than an hour, we can't go on like this. We'll run out of air if we don't get the computer to turn the life support systems back on."
"You're right, Doctor, of course. I can only think of one solution."
"Well? Do it, man, or we'll all die!"
"Initiating full computer reactivation sequence in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... REBOOT!"
And in a massive red and blue flash, the derelict spaceship exploded, killing everyone aboard.
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Fun!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, over the years there have been a number of times I felt like blowing up that particular boarding crew.
Captain-Dude! we all know this is going to go FUBAR, why don't any of you see it!?!
Thanks for sharing that.
Oh no they boldly went... pear shaped, now where am I going to get my fix of badly spoken word pop songs and convention PAs dammitt!
ReplyDeleteWell, really, it had to happen sometime. Very enjoyable, Captain Tony. :-)
ReplyDeleteHa! I never was a trekkie, guess I won't become one now. Oh well. This also has a nice Clockwork Orange feel to it -- go HAL! Peace...
ReplyDeleteI stifled a snort at "Keptin." I'm nerdy enough to laugh!
ReplyDeleteYou were really their scriptwriter right? But you got fired? :-)
ReplyDeleteMost enjoyable and nostalgic and well executed. Har har.
Hey, folks, there's nothing like a reboot to inject a little excitement into the series.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, everyone!
(Wiswell: heh heh... Keptin... heh heh)
I bet Kirk regreted the laundry malfunction that left him with nothing to wear save for that red shirt. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat just makes me think of a Window's BSOD on the main screen, which gives me a big chuckle. I wonder what a Star Trek reboot with today's computers would look like.
ReplyDeleteAll IT support and no adventures, I suppose.
Always loved McCoy. Would figure that he'd order a reboot -- didn't trust technology anyway.
ReplyDeleteI really didn't like the new Trek movie (speaking of reboots) -- although I thought Chris what's'name did a pretty good Shatner impression ...
Uh Tony, sorry to be so dense, but which of those two ships exploded? And why?
ReplyDeleteMy elder Trekker self can't help but grumble here ....
You got the "voice" of all of these characters down just right!
ReplyDeleteExcellent fun.
Made such a change for the landing crew to go, instead of the poor ensign they only took so there was someone for the scriptwriters to kill!
ReplyDeleteNooooo! Not Chekov!
ReplyDeleteYou had those voices down pat.
~jon
What? You totally killed them? Bad1 Bad! Wait till the fans get hold of you!:D
ReplyDeleteI loved Spock's lines, btw. Perfect.
http://magicnmiranda.blogspot.com/2010/12/waiting-one-night.html
I'll think twice about doing my own reboot next time. What would Picard have done? I wonder....
ReplyDeleteYou do have the voices down well enough to have written the scripts. I laughed at "Keptin" too.
ReplyDeleteCombustion always works. And dialogue is always so hard to do, but you capture the characters here well enough for the readers to understand the ST subtext.
ReplyDeleteEvery captain must go down with a ship. Too bad for Kirk it just was't his ship. Well told tale.
ReplyDeleteGave me a good chuckle as I grew up with a family who watched Star Trek.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your great comments, everyone. I got hooked on Star Trek as a kid, and have never lost the bug.
ReplyDeleteI thought the "reboot" movie had some good points, but it's a bit too easy to re-write history using that narrative device, and therefore do whatever you want with the characters. That way lies fanfic.
Another example why beaming almost every single important person off the ship is probably a bad idea... Nice one!
ReplyDeleteHahaha! I liked this a lot. I bet they were running Win-doze. They should have been running OSX. Sorry. I'm a Mac-head. And a trekkie. This is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteSuch a lovely tongue-in-cheek take. In the words of the Vulcan roadie, "Lug long and perspire."
ReplyDeleteAdam B @revhappiness
Great dialogue and accents! I must say, however, that I am shocked :) Maybe there is the possibility of rescue through some sort of time travel. No?
ReplyDeleteJason: A time travel deus ex machina to fix everything? No, you're thinking of "Star Trek: Voyager".
ReplyDelete