Cusp
by Tony Noland
He stood up, heart thudding and sweat running down from his pits as, pretending to be cool but knowing that his brother knew he wasn't, and with a half-wave of a hand that was much steadier than he might have imagined it would be, he indicated the one he wanted, the one second from the left, a redhead in tight yellow shorts.
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That's great. So I'm free to choose the one in the plaid skirt?
ReplyDeletehunh? is this the bachelor, season 12? peace...
ReplyDeleteMmmmm, redheads.
ReplyDeleteNow that is a damn satisfying sentence sir x
ReplyDeleteDonald: If you paid the price of admission, she's all yours.
ReplyDeleteLinda: What is this "bachelor" of which you speak?
FARfetched: Mmmm, yellow shorts...
Emma: You would not *believe* how long it took me to write, re-write and re-re-write it.
Dreaming about Amsterdam?
ReplyDeleteI must not be dirty enough. I thought they were picking line-ups for dodgeball.
ReplyDeleteSuddenly thinking of the Pirates of the Carribean ride. There was a part with a Wench Auction. A chorus of pirates were shouting,
ReplyDelete"WE WANTS THE RED-HEAD!"
Damn, what a long sentence. Yellow shorts huh? Wonder why it would make him nervous?
ReplyDeleteShort and to the point.
ReplyDeleteVery succint and neat storytelling. Says everything you need to know about horny boys...
ReplyDeleteRed rover, red rover, we -- oh, wait. John says dodgeball? Now I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteHe picked what he wanted, didn't she have a choice?
ReplyDeletePender: Or Vegas, or New Orleans, or London, or Molie, or Norriton, NJ, or just about anywhere in the world.
ReplyDeleteJohn: Er... no.
Monica: Arrrh!
storytreasury: Wonder why it would make him nervous? Excellent question. Maybe going back and re-reading it would give a clue?
Raven Corinn Carluk: Short and to the point. Yep.
Virginia Moffatt: *Almost* everything.
Tim VanSant: Definitely NOT dodgeball.
Helen: He picked what he wanted, didn't she have a choice? Sorry, no. That's the nature of being a prostitute: you do what you're told, go with who picks you.
In his position, if my eyes clap themselves on a redhead, I wouldn't be as prolix as your main character...
ReplyDeletenice idea, tautly executed
'That's the nature of being a prostitute: you do what you're told, go with who picks you.'
ReplyDeleteDuh I'm slow at times Tony aren't I ^__^
This totally made me think of Hostel: Part Two.
ReplyDeleteI like the brevity to this piece, gives the reader a chance to create the rest of the story. I'm voting on Best Little Whorehouse in Texas senario.
ReplyDeleteHaha I love small flashes like this - the reader can be left making up their own story, or just the ending or going around and around in circles trying to work out what is going on, only to re-read the story again and begin the process in a completely different direction - brilliant
ReplyDeleteSulci Collective: Ah, but my main character said nothing at all, merely indicated with a wave of his hand which one he wanted.
ReplyDeleteHelen: Duh I'm slow at times Tony aren't I It was intended to be a bit mysterious. ;-)
Icy: I never saw the Hostel movies. Explain?
laradunning: Brevity was exactly what I was gunning for here. One sentence to tell an entire story. I'm glad you liked it!
brainhaze: Thanks! The nice thing is that re-reading this story two or three times can be accomplished in a minute or two. 8-)