I swear, if I'd known the clown was a woman, I'd never have let the skunk loose in the elevator. What would have been the point? An elevator full of shrieking, terrified beauty queens, bouncing out of their bikinis as they ran down the hall would be startling for a woman to see, but they wouldn't have the same effect on her as they would on a man. That is, unless she was a lesbian clown, but what would have been the odds of that?
A male clown (or a lesbian clown) would have turned his (or her) head to watch the parade go giggling by. Since the isothiol/spandex-degrading gas-phase enzyme I'd released in the elevator 23 seconds earlier would be kicking in, their bikinis would be falling off the girls as they ran. Any man (and probably most lesbians, come to think of it) would have been glued to the sight. That would have been plenty of time for Silovski to use the blowgun to hit the clown with the hypno dart without being seen.
You were at the banquet, so you know the rest. Without the hypno dart, we couldn't make the clown give the General Secretary's mistress the balloon dog with the xenon tracker gas. Since she didn't have it, the security detail couldn't take it away like they take away anything given to the General Secretary or his intimates. That meant the xenon tracker didn't adhere to the head of security, so we couldn't use it to mark the key sequence on the heliport codepad. Without the code, Victorino wasn't able to sneak up and take the place of the General Secretary's wife's regular helicopter pilot.
So, long story short, our whole double-fake with the kidnapping/ransom/nuclear extortion as a bluff-screen for the bank robbery we were going to use to finance the Syrian opposition is down the crapper. That blows our whole strategy for this phase of Operation Asgard. The Russians are thrilled, the Australians are livid and the Canadians are in our face with their snotty "I Told You So" attitude... again.
I realize this setback has thrown off the entire Asgard timetable. It's my own fault for not checking up on that detail of the clown's gender and I accept full responsibility for that. Otherwise, the plan was perfect.
Still... the clown's stage name was Patty O'Cake. Who wouldn't have figured that to be a guy?
===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.
A male clown (or a lesbian clown) would have turned his (or her) head to watch the parade go giggling by. Since the isothiol/spandex-degrading gas-phase enzyme I'd released in the elevator 23 seconds earlier would be kicking in, their bikinis would be falling off the girls as they ran. Any man (and probably most lesbians, come to think of it) would have been glued to the sight. That would have been plenty of time for Silovski to use the blowgun to hit the clown with the hypno dart without being seen.
You were at the banquet, so you know the rest. Without the hypno dart, we couldn't make the clown give the General Secretary's mistress the balloon dog with the xenon tracker gas. Since she didn't have it, the security detail couldn't take it away like they take away anything given to the General Secretary or his intimates. That meant the xenon tracker didn't adhere to the head of security, so we couldn't use it to mark the key sequence on the heliport codepad. Without the code, Victorino wasn't able to sneak up and take the place of the General Secretary's wife's regular helicopter pilot.
So, long story short, our whole double-fake with the kidnapping/ransom/nuclear extortion as a bluff-screen for the bank robbery we were going to use to finance the Syrian opposition is down the crapper. That blows our whole strategy for this phase of Operation Asgard. The Russians are thrilled, the Australians are livid and the Canadians are in our face with their snotty "I Told You So" attitude... again.
I realize this setback has thrown off the entire Asgard timetable. It's my own fault for not checking up on that detail of the clown's gender and I accept full responsibility for that. Otherwise, the plan was perfect.
Still... the clown's stage name was Patty O'Cake. Who wouldn't have figured that to be a guy?
===== Feel free to comment on this or any other post.
Ah, the devil is in the details, or so they say. Brilliantly thought out.
ReplyDeleteYou know, as weird as that is, I could totally see it happening. One tiny variable overlooked throws off everything that's supposed to follow. Great laugh!
ReplyDeleteThe best laid plans of clowns and men...this is a great variation on the "for the want of a nail" rhyme
ReplyDeleteI feel like you threw a custard pie right into my kisser with this one Tony!
ReplyDeletemarc nash
When I saw this tease on my blogroll this morning I HAD to check it out. Absolutely cracker first line and the rest of the story measures up!
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing what difference one clown could make! ^___^
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys. This whole thing was just an outgrowth of that first line.
ReplyDeleteWicked awesome first line... (shakes head). Would never have predicted the rest of the story from that. Nice work, Tony.
ReplyDeleteVery funny rambling voice, Tony, and measured out particularly well. I almost hiccuped on a laugh reading the first line out loud - the skunk is unexpected at that point in the sentence. I can totally see how you'd emerge from the first line with the whole rest in your mouth. That's how I enjoy producing many of my posts.
ReplyDeleteThat first line sets the tone for the rest of the piece.
ReplyDeletePerfect, simply perfect.