10...
"North Korea detonated its third nuclear weapon in an underground test, but don't worry. Their missiles cannot reliably put a payload in orbit, let alone hit the continental U.S."
9...
"We believe Iran's missiles are capable of reaching Israel, but don't worry. The Iron Dome anti-missile system has proven remarkably effective again any ground-targeted assault."
8...
"Our drone attacks may have caused a temporary uptick in Al Qaeda recruitment, but don't worry. Their international organization has been dealt a serious blow."
7...
"Money and technical expertise flows from Saudi Arabia into these extremist groups, but don't worry. We are exerting every effort to block that support."
6...
"The most extreme elements, those who would benefit from the resultant chaos, would no doubt welcome this political catastrophe, but don't worry. A deal of some kind will no doubt be struck at the eleventh hour."
5...
"Roughly translated, the communique means 'better to burn the world and rule over the ashes than to tolerate the heathen in your midst', but don't worry. These are the extreme views of what we believe to be a very isolated group of individuals."
4...
"Big as a small office building, this asteroid would do incalculable damage were it to hit Earth, but don't worry. Its orbit is such that it will miss us by twenty thousand miles."
3...
"True, twenty thousand miles is barely the thickness of a sheet of paper in cosmic terms, but don't worry. Since those satellites are being moved out of the way, the asteroid's orbit won't be changed by anything it might inadvertently hit."
2...
"Yes, Senator, we failed to connect the dots before 9/11, but don't worry. The lessons of that horrible day have been taken close to heart."
1...
"All we lack is the political will, the money, and, quite frankly, the fire in our bellies to put all the pieces together, but don't worry. The technology to launch an asteroid-capture-and-mining system is already available today - we just have to make sure we capture the asteroid, not crash it!" (general laughter from the audience)
LAUNCH
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"North Korea detonated its third nuclear weapon in an underground test, but don't worry. Their missiles cannot reliably put a payload in orbit, let alone hit the continental U.S."
9...
"We believe Iran's missiles are capable of reaching Israel, but don't worry. The Iron Dome anti-missile system has proven remarkably effective again any ground-targeted assault."
8...
"Our drone attacks may have caused a temporary uptick in Al Qaeda recruitment, but don't worry. Their international organization has been dealt a serious blow."
7...
"Money and technical expertise flows from Saudi Arabia into these extremist groups, but don't worry. We are exerting every effort to block that support."
6...
"The most extreme elements, those who would benefit from the resultant chaos, would no doubt welcome this political catastrophe, but don't worry. A deal of some kind will no doubt be struck at the eleventh hour."
5...
"Roughly translated, the communique means 'better to burn the world and rule over the ashes than to tolerate the heathen in your midst', but don't worry. These are the extreme views of what we believe to be a very isolated group of individuals."
4...
"Big as a small office building, this asteroid would do incalculable damage were it to hit Earth, but don't worry. Its orbit is such that it will miss us by twenty thousand miles."
3...
"True, twenty thousand miles is barely the thickness of a sheet of paper in cosmic terms, but don't worry. Since those satellites are being moved out of the way, the asteroid's orbit won't be changed by anything it might inadvertently hit."
2...
"Yes, Senator, we failed to connect the dots before 9/11, but don't worry. The lessons of that horrible day have been taken close to heart."
1...
"All we lack is the political will, the money, and, quite frankly, the fire in our bellies to put all the pieces together, but don't worry. The technology to launch an asteroid-capture-and-mining system is already available today - we just have to make sure we capture the asteroid, not crash it!" (general laughter from the audience)
LAUNCH
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Great piece of flash fiction!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laura!
DeleteReads a little like a teaser for Maddow's new documentary.
ReplyDelete"We are all doomed" is more of a Fox News tagline, though.
Deleteoh yeah we are right royally screwed as a planet alright!
ReplyDeletemarc nash
Will no one think of the children?
DeleteIt's the grim plausibility of it that makes it unsettling. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nick. I can imagine people in North Korean being crazy enough to think this would be a good idea.
DeleteDon't worry - we have the technology to make a few clones of Jack Bauer. He'll sort everyone out.
ReplyDeleteBetter throw in a Captain Kirk, too. Be on the safe side.
DeleteAlarmist! :) Nicely done and very realistic. Too realistic.
ReplyDeleteSkirting on the edge of the wretchedly plausible, that's me. ;-)
DeleteLove the way this is structured, as a countdown. Yup, there are lunatics out there who would do that. It would serve them right if they dropped their asteroid on top of themselves, though.
ReplyDeleteThis story reminded me of a college buddy, telling how some of his friends calculated the anchor points needed to winch the moon (using the earth's rotation) out of orbit and drop it on Moscow. They actually sent their plans to the Department of Defense, and got a response (along the lines of "um... thanks, but no thanks"). That would have had a wider effect than some measly asteroid. :-D
But you just know that deep in the heart of the Pentagon, CIA, NSA, State Department, etc. are three-ring binders full of counterplans for precisely this kind of event. The world is full of crazy people who would be happy to rule over the ashes.
DeleteLove the story about winching the moon down.
Super-scary truth Tony, very well told.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Deanna. I'll sleep easier when this asteroid passes by. ;-)
DeleteI read this as a comment that bad people do bad things but it's all of little consequence if an asteroid passes by...
ReplyDeleteI think this post should have the Alfred E. Neuman seal of approval. Nice one.
ReplyDeleteScarily funny.
ReplyDelete