I'm editing "Verbosity's Vengeance: A Grammarian Adventure Novel" in preparation for publishing. Although I'd like to hire an editor, it's not practical to do so. Instead, I'm relying on some software tools, my own fresh eyes, a verbal read-through that I'll do later, and possibly the assistance of an eagle-eyed human. (Bear in mind that this book has already gone through at least six drafts, five beta reads and multiple close edits.)
Today, I'm going to share with you one sentence from the book. It happens to be sentence #2866, as determined by Editor. Here's what I wrote (the "he" is the Grammarian):
That's a decent sentence, right? However, the word "that" can often be removed without impacting meaning. What happens if we take it out?
The software flagged "past experience" as redundant. Can it be removed?
Come to think of it, that entire phrase can go, can't it?
Re-reading that sentence again, I realize that the entire opening is unnecessary if I trust the reader to treat this as assumed knowledge.
Could I cut further? Do I really need to specify "susceptibility to his memetic energies"? Couldn't I just say "to memetic energies"? Well, no. There are other people using memes in different ways in this book, which cause different effects. Certain plot elements revolve around that difference, so I don't want to imply that susceptibility to HIS powers implies susceptibility to all related forms of memetic power.
One sentence down; 9049 to go.
||| Comments are welcome |||Help keep the words flowing.
Today, I'm going to share with you one sentence from the book. It happens to be sentence #2866, as determined by Editor. Here's what I wrote (the "he" is the Grammarian):
"He knew from past experience that there was an inverse relationship between intelligence and susceptibility to his memetic energies."
That's a decent sentence, right? However, the word "that" can often be removed without impacting meaning. What happens if we take it out?
"He knew from past experience
there was an inverse relationship between intelligence and
susceptibility to his memetic energies."
The software flagged "past experience" as redundant. Can it be removed?
"He knew from experience there was an inverse relationship between intelligence and
susceptibility to his memetic energies."
Come to think of it, that entire phrase can go, can't it?
"He knew there was an inverse relationship between intelligence and
susceptibility to his memetic energies."
Re-reading that sentence again, I realize that the entire opening is unnecessary if I trust the reader to treat this as assumed knowledge.
"There was an inverse relationship between intelligence and
susceptibility to his memetic energies."
Could I cut further? Do I really need to specify "susceptibility to his memetic energies"? Couldn't I just say "to memetic energies"? Well, no. There are other people using memes in different ways in this book, which cause different effects. Certain plot elements revolve around that difference, so I don't want to imply that susceptibility to HIS powers implies susceptibility to all related forms of memetic power.
One sentence down; 9049 to go.
||| Comments are welcome |||Help keep the words flowing.
Good work! If its any consolation, Hemingway wrote that he would sometimes spend an entire day on one paragraph. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite THAT bad!
DeleteYou might cut further, but you also might double the sentence's length if it better fits the flow of the paragraph. I believe strongly that there are technically unnecessary words, phrases and clauses that lend other effects to surrounding sentences. But if the program made you feel the prose was generally strengthened, then neat!
ReplyDeleteThat's the hard part, John. Each change has to be weighed for what it does to the rest of the paragraph, and to make sure it's consistent in tone with the kinds of phrases I use for each character.
DeleteIn general, yes, the program has pointed out a lot of things I'd not thought about.
I think the last two go a step too far. The "He knew from experience" tells us a (possibly comical) bit about his past -- that he's dealt with some pretty stupid criminals. Reinforces the idea that being a superhero isn't always exciting, that not every criminal is a BFD.
ReplyDeleteYou might also get rid of the "there is" (never a strong way to open a sentence) and use a stronger verb. Something like
"He had deduced from run-ins with countless bungling bad guys that one's susceptibility to his memetic energies was inversely proportional to one's intelligence."