#FridayFlash: MegaMediators Inc.

"It took us a little while to figure out how best to use our superpowers," the woman said, "but once we realized how we could help society, starting the company was a no-brainer."

The man said, "Unlike other companies that provide mediation services, we aren't limited to standard techniques. Plenty of service providers are available for the easy jobs; we get the tough ones. Interpersonal tensions are already extremely high for any client that hires us."

"Our clients aren't just companies, though," the woman said, "far from it. While we've mediated contract disputes for multinational corporations, we've also handled treaty negotiations, war crimes investigations, truth and reconciliation commissions, ethnic cleansing compensation tribunals... think of the most difficult interactions in the last thirty years and we've been there at the table."

"Northern Ireland? That was us. Apartheid? Another one of ours."

"German reunification after the Cold War, the Euro, London getting the Olympics... the list goes on and on. How do we do it? How do we get such great results?"

"It's not what you might think," the man said. "That's often a surprise to our clients. Unlike other mediation service providers, MegaMediators Incorporated benefits from the unusual superpowers we both possess. We don't facilitate conversations..."

"... we stop them," the woman finished. "Whenever we join a conversation, it stops dead. The net effect is that people are unable to carry on their normal interactions in our presence. While the first hour of silence is pretty awkward, all that verbal energy bubbles up into an irresistible urge to talk about things they WOULDN'T ordinarily talk about. Since they would normally be sniping and arguing as they kept each other at a distance, the flip side of that is real connection at a deeper level, true rapprochement. It's really quite amazing to observe."

"After a single six-hour negotiation session with us at the table, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman all left the room ready to get on with their lives in a mutually supportive arrangement. If you want evidence of the strength of our superpowers, there it is."

The man sat back and crossed his arms, while the woman leaned in and spoke in low, persuasive tones.

"We base the price for our services on the number of people involved and how difficult we expect the negotiations to be. We understand that the figure we quoted you is higher than you expected, Mr. President. However, the bottom line is that if you can get Speaker Boehner and Senator McConnell to gather their people together with your White House staff and your people on Capitol Hill for a full day with us, we can guarantee a smooth, collaborative working relationship for the next six months. Quarterly refresher sessions will ensure a new golden age of productivity and amicable cooperation for as long as our contract runs."

"You mean, for as long as I keep paying you four billion dollars per session," Barack Obama said.

"Isn't the United States of America worth twelve billion dollars a year?" the man said. "The country would earn that back twenty times over in improved efficiency and productivity. You must agree that things can't continue like they are. Things have never been so rancorous, so full of bile and vitriol. You need a mediator."

"You need us: MegaMediators Incorporated."

President Obama pursed his lips and scowled in thought. The woman sat back and glanced at the man. They both smiled.

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